My Summer of Cryptomagnificence

Last year around this time, I was blogging about giant cookies, B.T.’s love of escalators, and a catching a neighbor secretly weed-wacking our yard while we were out of the house.

One year later, I still love giant cookies, B.T. still gets pumped at the sight of stairs that won’t stop moving, and our neighbor now regularly chops down our weedy embarrassment of a  yard when he thinks we’re not home. I’ll tell you this: to watch this man wack weeds is to watch Charlie the Unicorn finally reach the real Candy Mountain, a land of sweets and joy and joyness.

This particular summer has been quite a bit less eventful. I am pregnant with baby #3, so instead of spending my days creating giant cookies, visiting Idaho-ian shopping centers, or feeling embarrassed by my weed wack lack (“Weed Wack Lack” is going to be the first single on my rap album), I’ve pretty much just been trying to cope with feeling nauseated every second of every day and fighting the constant urge to take a nap.

On top of that, I’ve been super busy boiling water because our tap water got infected with a diarrhea-inducing parasite. This means that some of my summer has been spent filling gallon jugs with clean water from a truck brought in from a neighboring town whose cows are better behaved than ours. The truck had a vat of clean water and a hose to dispense it. The hose weighed roughly 600 pounds which is important because one afternoon I  accumulated a minor back injury  filling a few jugs for an old lady. Everyone knows old ladies have a super hard time managing their hose, you know?

This all started about a month ago, when a few of Baker City’s water-loving citizens got the poops badly enough go see a doctor. Medical suspicions were aroused, stool samples were collected, and eventually Baker City determined that no one should drink/bathe in/look suggestively at the tap water unless they also wanted a nasty case of diarrhea.

The water supply was apparently overrun with a tasty parasite called Cryptosporidium, or “Crypto,” which is like its villainous nickname. Basically what happened is some of the water supply way out in the middle of nowhere (yes, there are places even further into the middle of nowhere than Baker City) got hit up by some cows who had to poop and didn’t realize that some places aren’t socially acceptable toilets. The cows weren’t supposed to be there, but there was a broken fence and, in typical bureaucratic fashion, no one could figure out whose job it was to fix the fence. Which means, of course, that no one fixed it. So the cows released their crypto-laced feces into our water, we drank our water (some of us drank lots and lots of it), and suddenly we’re all glued to our toilets and the town is overrun with signs like the one taped to the water fountain at the gym that said:

“DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!

DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!

DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!

DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!

DO NOT DRINK THE WATER! DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!”

…just in case you have trouble understanding English sentences the first 100 times you read them.

Anyway, fast forward about a month, a couple of visits from the CDC, tests, more tests, and finally we’re approved to drink tap water again without the threat of the evil Crypto demanding we skip church and spend Sunday morning on the toilet.

This post was supposed to be about my first trimester of pregnancy, but it somehow morphed into a Crypto post. Crypto, you have hijacked my blog just like you hijacked my intestinal tract. HOW DARE YOU, YOU SNEAKY PARASITIC BASTARD.

I guess you’ll have to wait for the pregnancy chat. Here’s a quick preview, in the form of FAQs:

FAQs About Pregnancy #3

1. How far along are you? As of August 26, I am 12 weeks pregnant. Due March 9. Having another c-section. I like giving birth in hospitals cause they have doctors and cable TV. I don’t mind one bit if other ladies do it, but I am personally grossed out by the idea of giving birth at my house. I’m not sure I could find someone legit willing to perform a c-section on me in my bedroom anyway.

2. Did you do this on purpose? Ummmm didn’t the 90s ever tell you to MYOB? But because I kind-of admire your douche-y boldness, I’ll tell you: YES. Totally on purpose. Also, this counts as a FAQ because my mother-in-law asked me that when I got knocked up with Baby Ham, so I’m just figuring she’ll ask again. Which makes it more like a FAQ for one specific person.

3. Since you have two boys, are you hoping for a girl? I already feel like having given birth to two healthy, normal, super hilarious boys is a miracle on par with Jesus walking on water. We plan for this to be our last baby, so I am very aware that if it’s a boy I’ll never get the opportunity to raise a daughter. But I still can’t imagine being disappointed with another boy. I’ll be more likely to stand in awe of another healthy pregnancy (everything’s fine so far), another successful c-section, and another healthy baby who never, ever lets me sleep.

Preview over. Till next time!

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