Time Can Suck It

Have you ever seen something called shower art? Yes, it’s purpose is to decorate your shower.

It’s essentially pieces of thick plastic with glittery stuff on the inside and suction cups on the back so you can stick them to your shower’s wall.  (You can see a bunch of it here.)

My sister gave me some shower art for Christmas one year: gold glitter, a tiny plastic sand timer, and those little alphabet beads you see on baby bracelets.

shower art

Yep, my shower art is all, “TIME CAN SUCK IT.”

I’m pretty sure this gift was intended to amuse me while I cleanse my lady parts (whatever, I’m not being gross…all my parts are lady parts). However, I believe it has far surpassed its original intent and given me some pretty deep thoughts about my adulthood. SLOW DOWN, SHOWER ART.

As I’ve talked about (in this post), I made a series of choices in my 20s that meant I would come a-knockin’ on the door of my 30s without a degree or a career.  Thus (that’s all the school papers talking), I would end up being a college student with gray hair, stretch marks and absolutely no desire to do Jell-O shots with Todd at the kegger.

Maybe my lack of education doesn’t seem like such a big deal. After all, there are lots of people without a piece of paper that says, “Honey Boo-Boo paid $46,000 to sit through many unpleasant algebra classes and is now a highly qualified individual”, and they’re straight up getting it done. But for me, this has created a life scenario that goes something like this:

a) Get a job. Okay, easy! I am qualified to: make delicious lattes, work cash registers (like a boss), and assess the utility of the 417th video Scott recorded of himself playing Battlefield 3.

b) Receive paycheck. Wonder where the money at.

c) Sit down to pay bills. Notice big scary discrepancy between paycheck amount and using water to shower (as opposed to just sort of rubbing down with hand sanitizer).

d) Get very, very sweaty (grab me that hand sanitizer).

Yeah. So I am definitely not getting it done.

I suppose when I was in my carefree-ish 20s, I thought by the time I got to this advanced point in my life, bill-paying wouldn’t be so stressful. But that’s not how things are going and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m running really late for my own adulthood.

This is where the shower art comes in. I was in the shower one night and it just hit me (but not literally – the suction cups are really strong). TIME CAN SUCK IT.

Wait. Might it be okay that I’m doing life a tiny bit out of order? Is it really fine that I won’t buy my first house until I’m like…45? Am I still an okay person if I’ve never purchased a rug bigger than a bath mat? And is it really so bad that most of my fellow students are so young they don’t even know about the Hot Sundaes?


Then guess what I realized next! EVEN JESUS SAYS TIME CAN SUCK IT. Check it:

“The righteous will grow like a palm tree,

they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon.”

Yeah, you guys. That’s straight up in the Bible (Psalm 92:12). Can I get a what what?

snuggie raise the roof

(I don’t know who those people are, or what MySnuggieStore.com is, but I’m pretty sure they totally get how I felt when I realized that my shower art loves Jesus, too.)

When I read that “cedar of Lebanon” bit, it got me thinking.  It’s fairly common knowledge that trees aren’t exactly growing at warp speed. Cedars of Lebanon, specifically, grow 11 inches a year.

So I guess, at some point in my life, I figured I’d be a fully grown tree by now – like a Redwood maybe, so people would drive through my big tunnel and take artsy pictures to post on Instagram.

Except here I am, supposed to be an “adult” and all, and I don’t feel anything like a fully grown tree. Instead I feel like a little baby tree that someone has tied to a wooden pole so I won’t grow parallel to the lawn. (This is not a stripper allusion. Strippers don’t use wooden poles. I assume because of the splinters.)

Sometimes I play a game I call “Take a Chunk Out of My Life and Replace it With College.” Besides the obvious fun factor, I play it because it forces me to be reminded that, with the exception of some mistakes and missteps, I spent the 2000s exactly as they should’ve been spent.

I mean, who says, “Man, I really wish I hadn’t gone to Fiji?”  Or, “Dude, it was so dumb when I went to TOKYO instead of enrolling in that awesome algebra class?”  If you pick algebra over Tokyo you either really love algebra or really hate to do awesome things. Or both. Either way, I probably don’t want to hang out with you.

So in a few years, when I walk across the OSU stage to receive my diploma, I’m not going to be worried about how I’m 15 years older than everyone else. And I promise that I’m not going to let the fact that I’ve never been in escrow or shopped for large rugs give me the sad faces.

Because both my shower art and Jesus agree: time, you can straight up suck it.

I’m setting my life-watch to JESUS TIME.

Sorry, what was that again?

snuggie raise the roof

Oh, yeah. Sweet Snuggie affirmation. Sweet snuggiefirmation.


2 thoughts on “Time Can Suck It

  1. Its great that you will have only happy thoughts when you walk across that stage for your diploma…. think about how cool it will be that you have living breathing children that will be able to witness and celebrate your accomplishments! What potential impact that could be in their lives as they grow and start to plan their own lives.

    Foreign and domestic travel in my opinion is in itself education in a way. Its amazing how much is learned….but you already know that.

    • Yes, that is an excellent point! I think travel is an essential part of education humans should be receiving, in addition to the classroom kind. I definitely learned a ton during my travel years – and I guess I’m still learning as a “foreigner” in Baker City.

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