Nobody is smooth anymore. You know? Like – when was the last time some dude (or lady) lured you into his/her love nest with nothing but a mustache, sunglasses, and a recorder? Never, right? So you see what I mean.
Warning: The first 90 seconds of this video are pretty mundane. But hang on (or fast forward) to 1:30 and things are going to start happening.
This is one of my favorite videos of all time. Why? Wow. Thank you so much for asking. It will pleasure me to break it on down for you.
First of all, the Captain and Tennille have some serious balls when it comes to performing terrible songs. These are the same people who had the nerve to publicly sing the lyrics “Nibblin’ on bacon/chewin’ on cheese/Sam says to Susie/honey would you please be my missus.” These lyrics are from a song called “Muskrat Love”, one of the worst songs ever written or performed or basically that ever existed in the history of the entire world. I found a video of the Captain and Tennille performing this song in front of a willing audience. At several points throughout the video, the Captain creates what I assume are electronic muskrat sounds with the help of a heaping pile of keyboards.
It’s pretty painful to watch. If you made it through even 15 seconds I’m feeling quite proud of you. I watched it in its entirely two times, which is what is known as “suffering for my art.”
Now I need to let you in on a bit of crucial trivia. “The Captain’s” real name is Daryl Dragon. That’s right. I said DARYL DRAGON. And all I’m saying, all I’m ever officially saying, is that if you’re lucky enough to be born with the name Dragon, YOU DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, allow yourself to be nicknamed something as embarrassingly lame as “The Captain.” It’s pretty much the same as cutting off your balls and replacing them with cotton candy.
Back to the video in question! Maybe this song is called “Do That To Me One More Time,” but the video should be called “How To Seduce A Lady, Captain and Tennille Style.” I’ve studied this video extensively so you don’t have to! Just think of how much time I’ve saved you!
I’ve taken the liberty of creating a quick rundown of what you need to do to get a ticket to ride this sexy bandwagon. (Ummm BTW, The words “sexy” and “bandwagon” put together like that make me think of those ladies who pose in bikinis in front of muscle cars, but instead of muscle cars they’re all sprawled out on a covered wagon.)
HOW TO SEDUCE A LADY (or be seduced), CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE STYLE
#1. Trust your instincts. Like the majority of the video for “Do That To Me One More Time,” seduction can be mundane. It’s a waiting game, homies. So grab your tiny brown cup of coffee and settle in to watch your lady walk along the beach. Listen to your heart, and you’ll know exactly when to grab that recorder.
#2. LADIES: No bras allowed! – You might get a couple of passing glances walking along the beach with your boobies all shut up tight in cell #36B, but you cannot expect anyone to seduce you via wind instrument if you don’t let those girls breathe.
#3. MEN: Ignore the top 3 buttons on your shirts. Really, if it’s not summer, what are they even doing there anyway? Hiding your gold necklaces? Disheartening your chest hair? Keeping all that polyester in the open position sends a psychological message that you’re open, too: to a commitment! It makes sense. And it’s pretty much the same message she’s sending you – “By choosing not to imprison my boobies I choose not to imprison our love.”
#4. MEN: Buy a recorder and let it emote seduction. This is a particularly crucial lesson. She’s all the way down on the beach, bro. How do you thinks she’s going to know you want her in your pleasure dome? The same breeze that tosses her feathered hair will carry the sweet sounds of your recorder to her ears and she will have to investigate.
#5. How do you know she isn’t just some floozy who came to nibble your bacon? Or that he’s not just some asshole who invited you up so he could chew on your cheese? Because when he stops playing his recorder-slash-instrument of pleasure, it keeps playing itself. Have you ever experienced the kind of love that makes instruments play themselves? No? Well, maybe it’s because you insist upon wearing bras or hiding your mane of chest hair. Think about it!
I hope you’ve learned something here today. I know I have: Spend less time thinking about YouTube videos and more time doing videos on YouTube. What? Yeow!