Once is Never Enough (With a Song Like You)

Nobody is smooth anymore. You know? Like – when was the last time some dude (or lady) lured you into his/her love nest with nothing but a mustache, sunglasses, and a recorder? Never, right? So you see what I mean.

Warning: The first 90 seconds of this video are pretty mundane. But hang on (or fast forward) to 1:30 and things are going to start happening.

This is one of my favorite videos of all time. Why? Wow. Thank you so much for asking. It will pleasure me to break it on down for you.

First of all, the Captain and Tennille have some serious balls when it comes to performing terrible songs. These are the same people who had the nerve to publicly sing the lyrics  “Nibblin’ on bacon/chewin’ on cheese/Sam says to Susie/honey would you please be my missus.” These lyrics are from a song called “Muskrat Love”, one of the worst songs ever written or performed or basically that ever existed in the history of the entire world. I found a video of the Captain and Tennille performing this song in front of a willing audience. At several points throughout the video, the Captain creates what I assume are electronic muskrat sounds with the help of a heaping pile of keyboards.

It’s pretty painful to watch. If you made it through even 15 seconds I’m feeling quite proud of you. I watched it in its entirely two times, which is what is known as “suffering for my art.”

Now I need to let you in on a bit of crucial trivia. “The Captain’s” real name is Daryl Dragon. That’s right. I said DARYL DRAGON. And all I’m saying, all I’m ever officially saying, is that if you’re lucky enough to be born with the name Dragon, YOU DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, allow yourself to be nicknamed something as embarrassingly lame as “The Captain.” It’s pretty much the same as cutting off your balls and replacing them with cotton candy.

Back to the video in question! Maybe this song is called “Do That To Me One More Time,” but the video should be called “How To Seduce A Lady, Captain and Tennille Style.”  I’ve studied this video extensively so you don’t have to! Just think of how much time I’ve saved you!

I’ve taken the liberty of creating a quick rundown of what you need to do to get a ticket to ride this sexy bandwagon. (Ummm BTW, The words “sexy” and “bandwagon” put together like that make me think of those ladies who pose in bikinis in front of muscle cars, but instead of muscle cars they’re all sprawled out on a covered wagon.)

HOW TO SEDUCE A LADY (or be seduced), CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE STYLE

#1. Trust your instincts. Like the majority of the video for “Do That To Me One More Time,” seduction can be mundane. It’s a waiting game, homies. So grab your tiny brown cup of coffee and settle in to watch your lady walk along the beach. Listen to your heart, and you’ll know exactly when to grab that recorder.

#2. LADIES: No bras allowed! – You might get a couple of passing glances walking along the beach with your boobies all shut up tight in cell #36B, but you cannot expect anyone to seduce you via wind instrument if you don’t let those girls breathe.

#3. MEN: Ignore the top 3 buttons on your shirts. Really, if it’s not summer, what are they even doing there anyway? Hiding your gold necklaces? Disheartening your chest hair? Keeping all that polyester in the open position sends a psychological message that you’re open, too: to a commitment! It makes sense. And it’s pretty much the same message she’s sending you – “By choosing not to imprison my boobies I choose not to imprison our love.”

#4. MEN: Buy a recorder and let it emote seduction. This is a particularly crucial lesson. She’s all the way down on the beach, bro. How do you thinks she’s going to know you want her in your pleasure dome?  The same breeze that tosses her feathered hair will carry the sweet sounds of your recorder to her ears and she will have to investigate.

#5. How do you know she isn’t just some floozy who came to nibble your bacon? Or that he’s not just some asshole who invited you up so he could chew on your cheese? Because when he stops playing his recorder-slash-instrument of pleasure, it keeps playing itself. Have you ever experienced the kind of love that makes instruments play themselves? No? Well, maybe it’s because you insist upon wearing bras or hiding your mane of chest hair. Think about it!

I hope you’ve learned something here today. I know I have: Spend less time thinking about YouTube videos and more time doing videos on YouTube. What? Yeow!

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3 thoughts on “Once is Never Enough (With a Song Like You)

  1. Hilarious! Let me know if they come out with how-to book (although you’ve pretty much covered it with your brilliant 5 point plan)

  2. So, for whatever reason, my computer does not play the sound on videos sometimes. This video was one of those times. Maybe my computer has a filter though…and it filters out tunes that it already know will either waste my time or put me directly in the mood for the sweet, sweet stuff?
    You speak the truth when you say that Dragon is a kick-ass name! I would totally be proud to have a name like that! I would make up cool catch phrases that featured my kick-ass name and I would wear shirts that had tough looking dragons on them. I would even get dragon tattoos so that I could freely remove my shirt and still sport tough Dragon images. Yeah!
    I think that you are being a lil over critical of the name “The Captain” though. “Captain” conveys leadership and authority. Throw a “The” on the front of it and you just created a Legend…someone that people will be talking about in Blogs many years from now. Maybe you have never had balls, but Balls made of Cotton Candy do not sound overly horrible. For one, it sounds like there would be far fewer painful ball crushing injuries. Secondly, if they were delicious, which I’m sure they must be….the options are limitless! Seriously! Someone with that “condition”, would not be without money, ladies, various endorsement contracts, ladies, a motion picture biography, dudes, a sweet tooth and plenty of instruments that played themselves whenever the Cotton Candy was exposed.
    I will try and listen to those songs another time and I am going to print out your seduction Steps # 1-5. I will keep them in my pocket and share them with my children when the time is right.
    thanks for breakin it down.

  3. Wow, this whole subject might be too risque for your old mom. But, as always it was entertaining, and filled with poetic wisdom, or something like that. Never really listened to much of The Captain and Tenille. The music was so boring, and seemed to go on forever. I think it made me way too tired. You did put a new spin on the whole awful lyrics though, so kudos to you for that. I’m not sure I spelled “risque” correctly, and normally that would bother me, and I would check that out, but that music has made me way too tired, and I’ve now reached the point where I’m totally boring myself, so …

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