I hate corn mazes. But you know who doesn’t hate corn mazes? Satan. He probably makes all of hell’s incoming residents go through one on their way to their rooms.
I’m not just bringing this up out of nowhere. Ryan and I got very festive today and took our tiny ones to Val’s Veggies to go to the pumpkin patch and corn maze. I have a handful of pleasant pumpkin patch memories from my own childhood. Every year, my parents took us to Lombardi’s ranch, where the pumpkins were laid out for us in neat lines. There was a giant jack-o-lantern for kids to climb on, sweet corn for sale, and I think some type of small animals in cages for us to poke at.
What Lombardi’s Ranch conspicuously lacked, though, was a place where I could come back as an adult, with my small children, and get lost for 45 minutes in a maze of dried up corn stalks. Val’s Veggies to the rescue! It wasn’t so bad, though. At least there was also a super fun quiz.
I assume expanding my knowledge of corn was supposed to distract me from the fact that I was lost, my baby was making my arms tired, and my 2 year old was whining. Or it was supposed motivate me to get to the end faster, which really wasn’t necessary. The picture above shows question #3, which was the second question we found. The first was #9. I hope we weren’t supposed to find them chronologically.
Because of our schedules, Ryan and I don’t have traditional weekends. We have to plan ahead to take a day off together. So I have been looking forward to a family day for awhile and I was really, really trying to have fun.
The sun was in Brayton’s eyes in that picture, but I thought it kind-of expressed our “fed up with the corn maze and very badly want to leave” feelings.
In between choosing which direction to go to get more lost, Baby Ham practiced his standing skills. This ended in his face getting intimate with dirt and dried up corn stalks, which did not improve our situation.
But once we finally made it out of the maze of pure evil, things started looking up. B.T. got to play pumpkin bowling.
He modified the game from pumpkin bowling to “throwing a pumpkin at things.” He was so excited to knock things down with a pumpkin and receive applause instead of a time out. We figure his lack of bowling skills mean that either we should take him to a bowling alley, or we definitely should NOT take him to a bowling alley.
After bowling, we boarded a farm vehicle for a short ride to the pumpkin patch.
And unlike the pumpkin patch of my youth, these pumpkins weren’t neatly laid out for our choosing. Some of them were still connected to the ground. I was like – daaaaamn, nature. Check out you and your pumpkins.
That’s me and the little pumpkin I made. Me and you, nature! We’re keeping this shit REAL. Here are both my little pumpkins.
And here are my little pumpkins with Ry-Ry-Pumpkin-Pie. (He still won’t let me call him that, by the way. Not even at the pumpkin patch, where pumpkins are BORN.)
After we got home, ate lunch, and took naps (or did homework, or played Call of Duty), we got to work on carving. I printed off some sweet stencils (I found a bunch of cool ones here) to try and make up for the fact that I am terrible at pumpkin carving.
Oh man you can tell from the bags under my eyes that the day was starting to wear on me. But don’t worry – I pressed on. Because after all, do pumpkins carve themselves? No, they do not. And do the people at Val’s Veggies offer to carve your pumpkins for free to repay you for the emotional trauma of the corn maze? No, they do not.
Here are the finished products:
The first image shows Ryan’s grim reaper pumpkin and my traditional jack-o-lantern face. The pumpkin just above is the Hulk’s face.
Happy pumpkin season, America! Has anyone else gotten their pumpkin on? Or got lost in a corn maze? Or perhaps got lost in a maze of your own emotions?