Finally, Gastric Medicine Has Become Sexy

Sometimes I feel like no one is paying any attention. Do you ever get that feeling?

I started thinking about this while watching a Rihanna video. The one where Drake is in a convenience store and Rihanna comes in to pick up some milk.

So after Rihanna gives Drake a “come hither” look, he comes up to her and things start getting sexy in front of the refrigerated dairy. Oh, but before that, he admits to an inane struggle with math (which is supposed to be a sexual reference) and makes uninformative comments about marijuana and white wine. But it works, and they end up at home, primed to get it on.

As I watched this video, I thought to myself – who would actually bring this dude home?

Because, first of all, I can’t think of many things less hot than being hit on while I’m trying to purchase milk. In the video, the milk even spills. This is probably another vague sexual reference, but is actually gross and creates a mess and Rihanna probably got some milk on her shoe. Have you ever smelled dairy after it’s sat on something for awhile? Clothing, towels, someone’s breath? It smells HORRIBLE. But I guess that doesn’t matter when there’s sex on the horizon.

And what kind of creeper hits on ladies in a convenience store? I mean, he even says, “You say you want to leave, but I know you want to stay.” Isn’t that pretty common logic for rapists?

A video like this makes me think that sometimes we take things for granted just because they’re attached to pop culture. If some dude tried to pick you up at the local 7-11, you probably wouldn’t be all down to get out of there and go get busy. It’s way more likely that you’d be judging the distance from the dairy case to the door while trying to find the speed dial button for the cops on your phone. But I guess if it was Drake, and he promised that the only thing you guys would have on is the radio, apparently you’d be like – okay? That sounds nice?

Another problem I have with this video is the part where Rihanna performs household tasks, which you can find at about 2:15. Rihanna is doing dishes when Drake comes up behind her and starts to use his body language to say, “I can see that you’re cleaning, but I’m all set to get it on.” This has happened to me many times and believe me, IT IS NOT SEXY. It’s actually one of the top 6 annoying things that can happen while doing dishes (along with breaking something or having to stop every 16 seconds to tell a child to knock it off).

See, my husband is usually just trying to get a quick hug or show me some love. But what’s awesome about doing dishes is that AFTER YOU DO THEM THEY’RE DONE. If I stop in the middle, then I will have to try and muster “let’s get it on” feelings while most of my mind is focused on dirty dishes. And guess what I get to do after the fun is over? That’s right…the dishes! Because, as incredible as it would be, the winds of ecstasy are most likely not going to blow my dishes into the dishwasher and I will end up in front of the sink again, loading and scrubbing and drying out my delicate lady hands.

You know what would actually be hot, though? DOING THE DISHES FOR ME. While I sit in my chair and read a book or watch a wedding-themed reality television show. Whoa. I think I need to remove this cardigan because it’s getting hot in hurrrr.

Now I will throw down another example for you. Has anyone seen Nicki Minaj’s video for “Super Bass?” In this video, shaking her bootay on a motorcycle made of ice and wearing glow in the dark lipstick, Nicki has finally made Pepto Bismol sexy. If you have you see this for yourself, here it is:

I myself have never managed to pour gastric medicine all over my boobies and have it translate into sexy. But I used a plastic cup with little dinosaurs and glitter floating in it instead of a champagne glass. And I’ve nursed two babies so things aren’t sitting as Northern as they are for Nicki. (I am also having a hard time deciding whether gyrating on an ice motorcycle is really ridiculous or really awesome.)

Now I know this whole idea isn’t exactly original. We have been busy not thinking about what we listen to for years. Many people have written much deeper (and much funnier) things on the subject. But this is my experience, and these things I’ve learned: no amount of auto-tune, tasty beats, or really good looking people can make interrupted dishes sexy.


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