Curb Appeal: Baker City, The Tonto House

It’s been too long! Who’s ready to indulge once again in the tastiest eye candy Baker City has to offer? This is the second installment in a series I call Curb Appeal: Baker City. If you missed the first post, you can find it here.

The house I present to you today is such a sweet delight it is likely that you will, as my husband says, develop type 2 diabetes of the eyes. Yes! These front yards are like inappropriate amounts of sugar and saturated fat – so, so delicious but totally messing with the insulin levels of Baker City.

Today’s outdoor extravaganza of good taste is a house I call it the Tonto House, for this reason:

One can only speculate the meaning behind that sign. The most logical explanation is that it honors the Lone Ranger character:

Or perhaps Johnny Depp, the new Tonto:

Or maybe Tonto is her last name – Marjorie Tonto? Betty Tonto? Betty Tonto has to be one of my top 20 favorite names of all time. It’s not  as awesome as Corinne Bearman Tuppenhut, though, which is what I used to wish my name was. But it’s close. Very, very close.

Anyway, the Tonto House has more to offer us.

This is a broad view of the side of the house. This house is on a corner, which I expect this thrills the homeowner. So much more space to display her vast collection of vases. Let’s zoom in for a minute on a few things.

The image itself is a bit of a fuzzy mess, since all I did was crop the original image. Then I used my mad photo editing skillz to just zoom right on in. I know! I am the master of the photo crop! I call this figurine the Triplet Pigs. I hate them very much. Total knick-knack fail, Tonto House. This, however, makes me feel the opposite of hate:

Yesssssssssssss. This is where I went from “this homeowner needs someone to show her how to use a trash can” to “this homeowner is a genius and I want her to decorate my master bathroom.” Because I won’t lie, I kind-of want to go back to her house and steal this. And I have named him Jackstraw, for no apparent reason except that it sounds like the name of a buff dude who conquers plastic dragons but is also totally cool about living in Baker City. ALL HAIL JACKSTRAW, MASTER OF ANGRY DRAGONS AND THE SIDEWALKS OF BAKER CITY!

Now let’s go back to the original picture from above:

You will notice that the Triplet Pigs and Jackstraw, as magical as they are, aren’t floating in air but pleasantly sitting on red shelves. It looks like a pretty genius set up, unless there’s a light wind or someone breathes too close to them. It was quite gusty on the day I took these photos, which left me wondering if there were broken vases strewn all over the streets, or if Jackstraw was sprawled out on the street in his metal speedo, crying to dominate his plastic dragon once again. Such a sad mental picture! Maybe I should drive over there and check on him.

In addition to Jackstraw and the Triplet Pigs, this house has a couple of spots dedicated to the ocean (not unlike the house featured in my first Curb Appeal post). Maybe both houses went with ocean themes because we live so far from one. Like a tribute to the sea. And by “tribute,” I mean like an ode or a dedication, not like every figurine in this yard will have to attend the Tonto House’s Reaping with the risk of being entered in the Hunger Games and hoping the odds will be ever in his/her favor. I know that’s what you thought of when I said “tribute.” But I’m not sure people who decorate their lawns like this also read books.

I like how oceanographically correct the homeowner is: of course lobsters are higher up in the ocean than seahorses. And they do usually dwell right next to gigantic spiders. And also, I totally made up the word “oceanographically.” But I bet if you use it in a sentence today people will think you’re suuuper smart. As in, “Well, yes, oceanographically speaking, we are nearly out of copy paper in the printer.” Something like that.

Oh, look! A crab!

Of, course there’s also a kangaroo, right there in the middle. Probably a sea kangaroo, though.

I also like what this homeowner did with her collection of figurines with raised arms. She either collected them this way on purpose, noticed suddenly she had several figurines striking the same pose, or raised some of the arms manually to form a collection. Either way, thank the Jesus her hard work and organized mind gave us this:

Actually, this particular little vignette kind-of creeps me out. Which is saying something because from an objective point of view, all the spots in this yard are equally creepy. But something tells me that if it was dark out and these little raised-armed guys were illuminated and I was walking by unprepared, I’d probably pee myself and put my finger on the speed dial button for the cops. You know, just in case.

Here’s the last photo, of the front door:

And once again, Corinne “Crop Master” Allen zoomed right on in:

I know it’s hard to see. You have to understand what happens when I take these photos. I am not very stealth. The coast generally seems clear, but people with houses like these don’t strike me as 110% sane. So I just try to snappy-snap-snap and get the H out of there. But I think what you’re seeing in this window is a giant pink stuffed bird. Which kind-of seems like a message to me. Like – giant birds can stay the $&*% out of my yard…or else you too will be hanging inside my covered porch. I bet the beheaded pig and goofy are equally sinister threats. No, don’t scroll! Here’s the image again:

See? There they are, bottom left corner. Normally, I love a good figurine beheading. For example, here’s my faithful cooking companion, Headless Praying Doll:

Actually, maybe this house would be more awesome if every figurine was headless.

Well, rest your eyes, America, and don’t forget to let me know your favorites from this house. Did you fall in love with Jackstraw? Felt like you embarked on an ocean voyage of foliage? Me too! It was so refreshing!

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2 thoughts on “Curb Appeal: Baker City, The Tonto House

  1. Oh, I just read this for the 2nd time, and now I’m more in love with Tonto House. Probably because I’m desperate to rummage through a good antique/thrift store, yard sale, or any place that groups together any kind of stuff people feel are worthy to sell. I wasn’t too surprised at the odd and interesting items, since being there all you have to do is walk around the block to see what I first thought and was disappointed that these houses glorifying random objects were not for sale. Bummer. But, I was surprised that you always wished your name was Corinne Bearman Tuppenhut. I had no idea. You CAN legally change your name. It probably wouldn’t be the worst name change in history. But, overall and oceanographically speaking, my favorite part were the figurines with raised hands, as if to show some sort of worship, I assume, to some higher calling to all those who love and appreciate bizarre crap pleasantly arranged as lawn art. Hail to collectors everywhere.

  2. The display with raised hand guys makes me feel good actually. I don’t find it creepy…. It makes me feel good! It makes me feel like I am on the same team as those small guys and we just accomplished something amazing together…like maybe we beheaded an entire clan of figurines from a rival Baker City yard.// If I could be anyone in this yard, I would probably be the Crab. The scenario that I envision gets complicated…but basically the Crab is King there…so hes probably a King Crab, which makes his legs valuable and he knows it. The Lobster is second in command and watches over the area to keep everyone in line. The two lil Hippos had to be eliminated to be made examples of and the living figurines have brought a nice sized fish and layed it out for the Crab to consume. He will consume the fish…but will eventually turn on everyone unless they bring him more fish. I think the lil yellow Troll prepares the fish and the guy facing away plays dinner music to ease digestion. Its good to be King!

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