I think I found my dream job. Noooo, not interpretive dancing. I know I’m good! Please, you’re so nice! But you know that type of career just doesn’t make money like it used to.
I was working tonight (just so you know I didn’t go looking for this on purpose) and came across this gem.
If it’s past 8pm and you’re way too lazy to click the link to this book’s description, I’ll be kind enough to break some of it down for you.
This is a book called “Naughty or Nice: Christmas Erotica Stories.” Now, I think we can all agree that writing descriptions for books or the back covers of DVDs is not the most respected form of writing. But some of this stuff is so ridiculous, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that someone is getting paid for writing it. It’s probably one of the most embarrassing ways to use the English language. And Oooo Jesus! To be the one who gets to make vague sexual references using Christmas traditions!
I feel like this book’s description hooks you right away, calling it a “blazing hot feast.” When I read that I immediately says to myself, “Corinne, when was the last time you had a feast, much less one that was both hot and blazing?” I couldn’t come up with even one incident of such a feast. Possibly I’ve had a few hot and blazing meals. But feasts? No way.
I also had trouble remembering the last holiday season I had that I would say jingled my sleigh bells or curled my mistletoe. And really, that re-telling of Dickens’ famous “A Christmas Carol” where Carol “gets just what she wants for Christmas” sounds like exactly the version of that classic story the world needed. Probably global warming will be cured now! Or if not, at least the world will be better able to get into the Christmas spirit. Or should I say the “Christmas spirit,” followed by several creepy winks directed towards my husband.
But speaking of Ryan, when I informed him that I had finally found what I was meant to do in life, he brought up that in order to write accurate descriptions of books, I had to read them. Oops. There’s pretty much no way I’m reading erotica, even Christmas erotica. And yes, I realize how un-festive that is.
But I think there’s still hope for my career. I could just spend my life describing non-sexy books, or maybe I can get a job writing for the backs of DVDs. I did a little research, courtesy of our DVD collection, and discovered a couple of universal truths about writing about DVDs:
#1. There must be as many plays-on-words as possible. For example, the cover of “You’ve Got Mail” promises us that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will fall “head-over-laptops in love.” Get it? Laptops? Email? HAHAHA! Genius!
The cover of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” describes the relationship between John Corbett and Nia Vardalos as “an Olympain culture clash.” Because she’s Greek! And so is her big family! And John Corbett is not!
Finally, the back of “Waitress,” a movie I am pretty fond of, wonders if a newcomer to town might “supply the right ingredients” to cook up some happiness for Keri Russell. You know, ’cause she bakes pies? And pies contain ingredients? Suuuper good one!
#2. Exclamation points must be grossly overused. I see this most hilariously on the backs of action movies. For example: “There’s a new law enforcer in town and he’s part man, part machine!” Isn’t that exciting, America?! He is a man! He is also a machine! This is from, of course, the Robocop trilogy. Which I obviously own.
#3. It’s okay to pretend to have depth. By this I mean that if you asked me to explain the plot of Rambo: First Blood, I’d probably say something like, “Ummmm…lots of shooting. The jungle. Cheesy dialogue. Sylvester Stallone gets real sweaty.” But if I was pretending this movie was way deeper than it really is, maybe I’d say something like, “Oh yeah, Rambo: First Blood? Isn’t that the movie where Rambo never fought a battle he couldn’t win – except the conflict raging within his own soul?” According to the DVD cover, I’d be right on target.
Does anyone have a dream job they found under interesting circumstances? Would anyone like me to write a professional description of your life? I promise to use lots of exclamation points and come up with as many cheap word plays as possible.