I Found My Dream Job!

I think I found my dream job. Noooo, not interpretive dancing. I know I’m good! Please, you’re so nice! But you know that type of career  just doesn’t make money like it used to.

I was working tonight (just so you know I didn’t go looking for this on purpose) and came across this gem.

If it’s past 8pm and you’re way too lazy to click the link to this book’s description, I’ll be kind enough to break some of it down for you.

This is a book called “Naughty or Nice: Christmas Erotica Stories.” Now, I think we can all agree that writing descriptions for books or the back covers of DVDs is not the most respected form of writing. But some of this stuff is so ridiculous, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that someone is getting paid for writing it. It’s probably one of the most embarrassing ways to use the English language. And Oooo Jesus! To be the one who gets to make vague sexual references using Christmas traditions!

I feel like this book’s description hooks you right away, calling it a  “blazing hot feast.” When I read that I immediately says to myself, “Corinne, when was the last time you had a feast, much less one that was both hot and blazing?” I couldn’t come up with even one incident of such a feast. Possibly I’ve had a few hot and blazing meals. But feasts? No way.

I also had trouble remembering the last holiday season I had that I would say jingled my sleigh bells or curled my mistletoe. And really, that re-telling of Dickens’ famous “A Christmas Carol” where Carol  “gets just what she wants for Christmas” sounds like exactly the version of that classic story the world needed. Probably global warming will be cured now! Or if not, at least the world will be better able to get into the Christmas spirit. Or should I say the “Christmas spirit,” followed by several creepy winks directed towards my husband.

“i’m super glad we’re married,” she said breathlessly,” so i can jingle your bells any time i want to.”

But speaking of Ryan, when I informed him that I had finally found what I was meant to do in life, he brought up that in order to write accurate descriptions of books, I had to read them. Oops. There’s pretty much no way I’m reading erotica, even Christmas erotica. And yes, I realize how un-festive  that is.

But I think there’s still hope for my career. I could just spend my life describing non-sexy books, or maybe I can get a job writing for the backs of DVDs. I did a little research, courtesy of our DVD collection, and discovered a couple of universal truths about writing about DVDs:

#1. There must be as many plays-on-words as possible. For example, the cover of “You’ve Got Mail” promises us that Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan will fall “head-over-laptops in love.” Get it? Laptops? Email? HAHAHA! Genius!

after i fell head-over-laptops for ryan, i married him. a few years later, he downloaded a couple of babies into my uterus.

The cover of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” describes the relationship between John Corbett and Nia Vardalos as “an Olympain culture clash.” Because she’s Greek! And so is her big family! And John Corbett is not!

Finally, the back of “Waitress,” a movie I am pretty fond of, wonders if a newcomer to town might “supply the right ingredients” to cook up some happiness for Keri Russell. You know, ’cause she bakes pies? And pies contain ingredients? Suuuper good one!

#2. Exclamation points must be grossly overused. I see this most hilariously on the backs of action movies. For example: “There’s a new law enforcer in town and he’s part man, part machine!” Isn’t that exciting, America?! He is a man! He is also a machine! This is from, of course, the Robocop trilogy.  Which I obviously own.

i have a gun! i will use it to shoot you!

#3. It’s okay to pretend to have depth. By this I mean that if you asked me to explain the plot of Rambo: First Blood, I’d probably say something like, “Ummmm…lots of shooting.  The jungle. Cheesy dialogue. Sylvester Stallone gets real sweaty.” But if I was pretending this movie was way deeper than it really is, maybe I’d say something like, “Oh yeah, Rambo: First Blood? Isn’t that the movie where Rambo never fought a battle he couldn’t win – except the conflict raging within his own soul?” According to the DVD cover, I’d be right on target.

my styrofoam coffee cup, rolled up sleeping bag, and furrowed brow should talk to you about the torture within my soul in a way my machine gun cannot.

Does anyone have a dream job they found under interesting circumstances? Would anyone like me to write a professional description of your life?  I promise to use lots of exclamation points and come up with as many cheap word plays as possible.

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5 thoughts on “I Found My Dream Job!

  1. So I decided if the whole becoming a professor thing doesn’t work out I am either going to write a trashy chick-lit novel (Which I have already started) or work for a phone sex line. Maybe both?! Wanna write a description?

    • Okay.

      In “Sex on the Line,” Mary Seaward is a prominent NYU professor whose finances just don’t make the grade. When she publishes “—-,” she finds herself without a job and in need of a lifeline. Desperate to make ends meet, Mary takes a job as a phone sex operator!
      “Sex on the Line” is a wacky romp through the hallowed halls of higher education to the seedy back doors of the life of a former professor! Will Mary’s talent with words dial the 1-900 line of success? And will a special midnight caller be able to teach this professor the most important lesson of all?

      Feel free to use all or part of this on a resume.

  2. I wouldn’t give up on the interpretive dancing just yet…I believe that there is still dollas to be made….it just depends on what you are interpreting during said dance.

    Well, I am pretty satisfied with my current job situation and I have had some other jobs that made me happy in the past as well. I even sometimes miss my first job at Round Table Pizza…those were some good years. The only job that I HATED, like ,really really could barely keep my own vomit from coming up HATED, was working on an Ambulance in Glendale. I found zero pleasure, (although some people did), in taking one super old, almost dead person from one place and taking them to another place where there was sure to be a room full of almost dead people…and probably one of them would need a ride in my smelly van to visit some even smellier con home. I wasn’t kidding about the vomit. I’m pretty sure I told you the story where I was in a dark room at night to get one old lady…when a different old lady grabbed me and said “Kiss me! Kiss me or I’ll scream”, and chills went up my spine and every hair on my body stood straight up! Eck!

    I’m not sure if it would be my “dream job” or not, but when I was in High School I had a buddy who had what I considered at the time to be a pretty unique occupation. Part of his duties were to not consume certain foods which included sodas, candy, and I’m sure a bunch of other no-no’s. The second and probably most enjoyable part of the job was that he would fill up lil containers full of his own non-soda contaminated urine. He then placed them on the lil lazy susan thing in the bathroom that spun around to where the doctors were eagerly waiting for that teenage boy urine! I think they used it for scientific research or something. Then, he got paid for doing that!!! What?! Yes, he was making more money peeing in cups than a lot of kids were making in food service or wherever else they didn’t have to pull down their zipper to get paid cash money. It was also interesting that this guy sorta thought he was superior to us because he was helping the scientific world with his pee-pee.
    If I could maybe land a part time gig doing this…well, I would be pretty stoked. It would benefit me because it would really get me to stop drinking sodas and eating candy….and it would benefit them because I have really good aim and have plenty of liquid money to fill up their little plastic cups.
    -Cheers to Dreaming-

  3. Pingback: New Schoolventures « Trapped Nowhere

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